HEALTH WARNING!!!

AS THE HOLIDAY SEASON APPROACHES, the Board of Physicians of St. Ardbeg's Hospital wishes to once again caution the public against a widely available product that threatens their moral and physical well-being.

That pernicious product is marketed under the deplorable name of "Old Saxby's Malt Liquor." Although the manufacturers of this product -- the Saxby-Chambliss Company of Atlanta, Georgia-- misleadingly claim that it is malt-based, recent analyses conducted at St. Ardbeg's reveal that its main ingredients are as far away from that noble substance as could be imagined.

The adverse health effects of partaking in "Old Saxby's" include a decrease in the subject's open-mindedness, with a concomitant increase in the subject's intolerance and jingoism. Other common symptoms are paranoid ideation (such as imagining a lack of patriotism in every other individual), blind obedience to reactionary authority figures, and loss of proper grammar and syntax. In extreme cases, partaking in "Old Saxby's" has led to regional wars and ethnic unrest. St. Ardbeg's Hospital cannot urge too much caution in this case: stick to single malts, and avoid this so-called "malt liquor."

ST. ARDBEG'S OPENS NEW NATUROPATHIC DEPARTMENT

THE REGENTS of St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Terminally Befuddled are happy to announce the completion of a new wing to house the recently established Department of Naturopathic Medicine. The increasing popularity of this field of medicine, along with a recognition of the beneficial effects of certain traditional remedies, has made it impossible for any true world-class hospital to lack the facilities for administering such treatments. And the pioneering work of Dr. Cyprian C. Cyrrhosis has already put St. Ardbeg's on the map in that area.

The new wing houses a new set of specialized rooms for the application of such cutaneous treatments as peat plasters and hop ointments. In contravention of usual naturopathic and homeopathic techniques, our various remedies are applied in heroic doses. Dr. Cyrrhosis, who literally gave his life to this branch of science, found that miniscule dosing only made patients irritable. But much, much larger doses instead induced an exaggerated sense of well-being and even euphoria just prior to blackout. This exalted state has been found to be eminently therapeutic.

We invite all prospective patients to visit our new, state-of-the-art facilities and experience the manifold benefits of nathuropathic treatments. Malt massages, whisky-steam baths, hop inhalers and peatbog high colonics, we have it all!

HISTORY OF THE SMYTHE-MALLERSON PRIZE

Sir Percival Evelyn Wilberforce Brabazon Smythe-Mallerson, Bart., KBE, CBE, FRS. 1832-1888.

Sir Percy Smythe-Mallerson was the fruit of a liaison between the fifth Earl of Bath and Wells and the daugther of a village publican. After being rejected by his mother's family, he was adopted by his uncle Estevan Malmsbury ("Mamsey"), who was then the T.E. Warburton professor of nephrology at Balliol College, Oxford.

Sir Percy first acquired his love of exploration when he accompanied his uncle on the great 1848 Blue Nile expedition, which led to the discovery of the "Blott'ho" people of Sudan -- a remote tribe that had independently developed its own malt-beverage-making techniques. Sir Percy then and there resolved that he would dedicate his life to broadening the world's understanding of the hidden history of peat and malt. It is perhaps not incidental that Sir Percy developed his noted taste for malt on this expedition. Due to his extreme whiteness (a recessive gene inherited from his father's ancestors) the Blott'ho tribe exalted him to the level of a minor deity and included him in a number of secret rituals that he long refused to discuss in civilized society.

Upon his return to England, Sir Percy was educated at Harrow and Oxford. He soon became a highly noted explorer in his own right: the Congo in 1861-63; Upper Volta in 1865-66; and Bengal in 1872. He unfortunately died in 1888 while on his greatest expedition in New Guinea, while searching for the remains of a long-lost distilling civilization. He was killed and eaten by the natives after remarking that their beverages lacked the ideal degree of "smokiness" and, perhaps, failed to reach full maturity in bamboo casks. The Chief, incensed at this criticism and near-sacrilege, ordered the unfortunate explorer to be immersed in the distillation vats, cooked down to a whitish paste, and consumed at the next "tasting."

But the memory of Sir Percy Smythe-Mallerson lives on in the decennial prize created in his honor by his widow, Lady Millicent Honoria Snodgrass Smythe-Mallerson.

Lady Millicent published her husband's notes, posthumously, as the volume entitled "Gnostic Malts and their True Meanings." As an early convert to the True Spiritualist Movement she held fortnightly seances where she communed with her late husband through the aid of an assortment of single malt beverages. These "spiritual" encounters left her with a burning desire to further her husband's work, whereupon she established the prize with the aid of St. Ardbeg's.

The Smythe-Mallerson Prize is still awarded every ten years, posthumously, to the recently deceased explorer who has made the most significant contribution to the fields of ethnomaltology and geopeatometry. The ten-thousand-pound prize is usually used by the bereaved family to buy a magnificent headstone.

SMYTHE-MALLERSON PRIZE AWARDED TO AMERICAN EXPLORER

The Caledonian Conclave and the Board of Directors of St. Ardbeg's Hospital have announced that the winner of the 2007 Smythe-Mallerson Prize is "Colonel" G. Appleton Lee of Louisville, Kentucky. "Colonel" Lee --so named after his rank of honorary sergeant in the Kentucky Militia-- was until recently the owner of the Lee Distillery and producer of "Appleton's Single-Barrel Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whisky." He died late last November while on an expedition in the Canadian arctic.

"Colonel" Lee and his expedition --by its full title, the "Great Northern Peat Expedition Sponsored by the Kentucky Bourbon Council"-- left the northern reaches of Nunavut in late September, searching for the hypothetical traces of a long-lost, and perhaps mythical, peat-producing civilization. In mid-October, "Colonel" Lee sent back a tantalizing fragment of organic matter, thought by some to possibly be part of a substance bearing similarities to something hypothetically akin to peat. The publication of these preliminary results in this winter's Journal of the Society for Malt Research and Inebriation Science created a small furor in the scientific world. But "Colonel" Lee was unable to enjoy even this early success. He walked away from camp one night and was found the following morning, several miles away, dressed only in his long underwear, and convulsively clutching a towel. The cause of death, although unclear, was assumed to be exposure. The last entry in "Colonel" Lee's diary stated, cryptically: "Oh, my God. I was right! They have found us.... don't panic!"

The Caledonian Conclave and St. Ardbeg's Hospital feel that the Smythe-Mallerson Prize could go to no more deserving person than "Colonel" Lee: a man who gave his life in the interest of science and led the way towards possibly greater discoveries.

CARDINAL LAPHROAIG ADMITTED TO ST. ARDBEG'S

THE DOCTORS AND STAFF at St. Ardbeg's are requesting restraint of the civil authorities and the general public at this time of chaos.

The Head of the Hospital, Fr. Caol Ila, has reminded everyone that the grounds are consecrated and to be considered sanctuary for any and all who pass their gates.

In light of the events at Jamesonburgh, Fr. Caol Ila has confirmed that Cardinal Laphroaig has been admitted to the hospital for rehabilitation and rejuvenation. Details of His Eminence's condition and treatment are private and the press is asked to refrain from prying into the treatment administered here at St. Ardbeg's.

The Hospital will neither confirm nor deny reports that Cardinal Laphroaig was admitted as a result of a serious breakdown caused by a long-standing addiction to blended malts. The Hospital will also neither confirm nor deny that His Eminence was discovered huddled under his desk, clutching a bottle of Johnny Walker and mumbling incoherently to himself in pig Latin:
"What is past is past, and whatever sins Cardinal Laphroaig succumbed to are in remission. We must assist him prayerfully in overcoming his failings and help him return to the true Spirit," said Fr. Caol Ila.

The faithful are asked to pray for the restoration, physical and administrative, of Cardinal Laphroaig.

Bishop Glenmorangie has been apprised of Laphroaig's admittance to the care of the florid monks and has lent his full weight to the strictures imposed by Fr. Caol Ila and the staff of St. Ardbeg's.

Spiritum Laudamus

RESERVE YOUR PLACE NOW FOR THE NINETY-FIRST ANNUAL HAMISH DALMORE FUNDRAISING DINNER!

Like every year, our traditional gala night will honor the memory of Dr. Hamish Dalmore, M.D., Ph.D., F.R.S. and the many patrons of St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Terminally Befuddled.

We hope that you will join us on the evening of October 15 --St. Ardbeg's Day-- for what promises to be an especially memorable evening. Cardinal Laphroaig will be present to award the Order of St. Talisker, first class, to Dr. Cyprian C. Cyrrhosis for his pioneering work on the link between the consumption of blended malts and impotence. And our dinner will be prepared by none other than Angus Balvenie, the up-and-coming Scottish chef who recently earned his third star in the Edinburgh Epicurean guide.

Chef Balvenie's sumptuous repast for the evening is excerpted below:

Hors d'Oeuvre

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Tossed Peat Salad in Bowmore vinaigrette

or

Mixed heather greens in Glenkinchie coulis

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Entrées

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Filet de Bagpipe in an unctuous heather béchamel, double-boiled for seventy-two hours in Essence of Lagavulin

or

Plaid duck in Tartan sauce with Claymore garnish

or

Cuissot de Haggis flambé in a suprême d'Aberlour

***

Entremets

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Talisker sorbet

or

Cragganmore custard

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Cheese

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Chef Balvenie's own selection of gourmet Islay cheeses

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Desserts

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Crème Barlée

or

Peat Soufflé

***

The table will be set with Tamnavulin finger bowls.

***

The mouths of our own monks of Opus Barlei water at the mere reading of this delightful program. Please join the Board, Physicians, and Staff of St. Ardbeg's Hospital for an evening to be remembered! Don't delay! Call the Hospital and make your reservations today!

MIRACLE AT ST. ARDBEG'S

Miraculously the crisis at St. Ardbeg's is over!

The peat fires have been contained without damage to the hospital, Our Lady or the surrounding grounds. Even now, Opus Barlei monks stripped down to loincloths, muscular thighs glistening with sweat, strong backs bent, strapping arms heaving shovels and hoes have brought the inferno under control. The brothers are thrusting the walls of the fire back, smothering the embers and sating the ravenous flames. We are saved!

Most of our patients have been restored to their wards in the hospital, some without having ever regained consciousness. Our staff is back on duty airing out the smoky halls and restocking the Dalmore Pharmaceutical Lounge. Doctors are re-establishing regimens for the lost souls under their care and are vigorously re-testing the medications for purity and strength.

A special mass of thanksgiving will be celebrated by the Order of Opus Barlei in the Our Lady of Perpetual Stupor chapel in joyful recognition of the miracle at St. Ardbeg's. We invite any and all to attend this joyous celebration. A reception in the DPL will follow.

We are confident that all operations will be fully restored by morning.

Spiritum Laudamus.

BREAKING NEWS...

The staff at St. Ardbeg's is in a desperate race to save the ancient, sacred relics of their patron from a fire raging in the peat bogs surrounding the hospital. The monks, stripped of their robes and sweaty torsos glistening in the reflected heat of the wildfire, are working in a state of ecstatic furor to prevent the loss of the dearest and most holy objects of veneration.

Contents of the Dalmore Pharmaceutical Lounge have already been removed to a sanctuary not far from the hospital grounds where they are under twenty-four-hour guard by the Knights of Malt.

Other articles housed in the chapel of Our Lady of Perpetual Stupor are now being loaded for transport to an undisclosed location in a deep underground bunker where they can be saved for posterity.

The monks and lay staff of the hospital are also finding beds and rooms for patients under their care where the Dalmore Method can continue to be administered to them. St. Ardbeg doctors have assured families that treatment will not be disrupted and that their loved ones will soon be returned to them in complete health.

More information will be released as conditions warrant.

At this time the doctors, the order of Opus Barlei and the staff of St. Ardbeg's asks for your continued prayers and donations to help save the hospital.

OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL STUPOR CHAPEL

Our Lady Chapel as it originally stood on the grounds of St. Ardbegh's Hospital.

The chapel has since been renovated and moved to a site not quite so near the peat bogs to avoid the unfortunate loss of additional penitents. The chapel was established through the generous donation of
J. Prescott Montgomery Prescott-Prescot in 1899. Tragically, Mr. Prescott-Prescot was lost in the trenches of the Boer War as the result of a freak pudding accident just shortly after his donation to the hospital. His endowment is a testament to his successful recovery at St. Ardbegh's and will keep his memory alive for the many who pass our doors in search of healing.

TESTIMONIAL

J. Prescott Montgomery Prescott-Prescot, the scion of a wealthy Midlands industrial family, was one of Dr. Hamish Dalmore's earliest patients. Known as "Barfie" to his former public-school friends, Mr. Montgomery Prescott-Prescot was the grandson of famous inventor J. Prescott Montgomery Prescott, inventor of the steam-powered bustle loom and of the lightweight galvanized-steel chastity belt (better known as "Prescott's Patent Purity Preserver"). The early daguerrotype at upper left shows Mr. Montgomery Prescott-Prescot upon admission to St. Ardbeg's, suffering from a nearly terminal case of indulgence in so-called "pure" and blended malts.

After a fortnight under the care of Dr. Dalmore, this desperate case slowly revived and gradually reacquired a taste for life. The photograph at upper right shows Mr. Montgomery Prescott-Prescot two weeks later, fully restored to health. Below is a letter written by Mr. Montgomery Prescott-Prescot to Dr. Dalmore several years later, announcing his generous donation endowing the chapel of Our Lady of Perpetual Stupor. Mr. Montgomery Prescott-Prescot's words speak for themselves.

"Dear Stinko,

I hope things are all oojah-cum-spiff with you, old bean? I saw Biffy at the 'Jolly Tankard' the other day, and he sends his regards. No fear, old boy, I'm still off the bad stuff, even though Biffy was pretty well under the infl. by the time I got there. Let's just say that he was somewhat vertically challenged at the time. Dear old Biffy.

But anyway, don't you know, the old man's oof is overflowing from the jolly old pockets, and I'm in a generous mood and remembering the old days. Your cure was really the cat's nightwear! I'm awfully grateful and all that. I mean to say I feel like a new man, and all that rot. Please find enclosed herein a token of my unbounded apprec. and gratitude. Perhaps a chapel on your property would be just the thing for chappies like myself?

Well, that's that. Say hello to Stiffy; sorry to hear he's still under the weather. I don't know what he sees in that 'Johnny Walker' stuff... I guess it takes all kinds. Tootle-pip and tinkertytonk!

Yours, etc,

Barfie."

For centuries the florid monks of Opus Barlei have prepared the sacred spirits for the well-being of the faithful and the restoration of the fallen. They have spent hours prayerfully mixing the holy ingredients: the barley and the malt, painstakingly cooking these over slabs of smoldering peat from the surrounding bogs. Dr. Hamish Dalmore modernized the process in the late 19th c. but it was the labor of a millenia of robust monks that prepared the way for his success. This engraving represents the preparations of the early brothers of Opus Barlei and their tireless efforts to obtain the purity and the righteousness of the one true malt. Spiritum Laudamus.

Of the many amenities at St. Ardbeg's, among the most popular are the peat baths. Filled with naturally heated water drawn directly from the bogs surrounding the hospital, the baths fill the convalescent's lungs with the heady, healing aromas of iodine, seaweed and cooking barley. The effect is salutary. Many of our patients return often just for the recuperative powers of our lovely Roman-era baths. When you visit our facilities enjoy a dram whilst you percolate in the earthy brown waters of healing. You will arise from the baths a fully rejuvenated man!

Dr. Hamish Dalmore
1802 - 1911

Dr. Hamish Dalmore, creator of the Dalmore Method, labored feverishly during the great Spirits crisis of the late 19th century to find a treatment which would release patients from the grip of impure, or blended, whisky. A firm believer in testing his hypotheses and treatments on himself before subjecting patients to the vicissitudes of the scientific method, Dr. Dalmore discovered that a carefully applied course of single malts could not only bring about a full recovery in patients, but could even extend their lives far beyond the Mosaic standard of 'three score and ten.' We honor Dr. Dalmore's memory in the Dalmore Pharmaceutical Lounge where a full selection of his astonishing cures may be found. We invite visitors to join our dedicated staff in the DPL to sample what we refer to as 'Dr. Dalmore's Miracle.'

The Dalmore Method

A fortnight's course of the application of carefully selected single malts for a typical patient might be as follows:

Day One - Day Three: The patient is weaned from all unholy spirits (i.e. blended "scotches" and "pure" malts.) Our treatment is vigorous and complete.

Day Four: The patient is administered his first dose of a light single malt - perhaps a single dram of Tamnavulin or Glenfiddich. It is a carefully monitored introduction of true spirits to a body weakened by exposure to adulterated substances. This is a delicate moment for the patient and relapse is not unusual if he is not monitored carefully by professional staff.

Day Five - Day Seven: A gradually increasing course of spirits is made available to the patient on a development-appropriate basis: We would, for example, never introduce a dose of Laphroaig to a patient at this stage of their treatment. Perhaps two drams of Highland Park might be called for depending upon the speed of the patient's recovery.

Day Eight - Day Ten: The patient at this advanced stage (except in the case of relapse) may be ready for a dose of Cragganmore or even Dalmore for the stronger patients. The florid monks make a case-by-case determination based on their careful assessment of the patient.

Day Eleven - Day Twelve: At this point recovery is nearly complete. The pharmaceutical stores are then opened to access the Islay scotches. Talisker is typically prescribed for patients making this transition for example. This might be followed by the introduction of successive drams of Bowmore.

Day Thirteen - Day Fourteen: The patient is now ready for Laphroaig. If the recovery has been exceptional, the convalescent may be released for out-patient treatment where they visit the hospital daily to receive their prescribed doses. Some patients at this point are allowed to pick and choose from the broad spectrum of single malts which is the beginning of their new journey in the world of true spirits. A full recovery is now accomplished!