ST. ARDBEG'S OPENS NEW NATUROPATHIC DEPARTMENT

THE REGENTS of St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Terminally Befuddled are happy to announce the completion of a new wing to house the recently established Department of Naturopathic Medicine. The increasing popularity of this field of medicine, along with a recognition of the beneficial effects of certain traditional remedies, has made it impossible for any true world-class hospital to lack the facilities for administering such treatments. And the pioneering work of Dr. Cyprian C. Cyrrhosis has already put St. Ardbeg's on the map in that area.

The new wing houses a new set of specialized rooms for the application of such cutaneous treatments as peat plasters and hop ointments. In contravention of usual naturopathic and homeopathic techniques, our various remedies are applied in heroic doses. Dr. Cyrrhosis, who literally gave his life to this branch of science, found that miniscule dosing only made patients irritable. But much, much larger doses instead induced an exaggerated sense of well-being and even euphoria just prior to blackout. This exalted state has been found to be eminently therapeutic.

We invite all prospective patients to visit our new, state-of-the-art facilities and experience the manifold benefits of nathuropathic treatments. Malt massages, whisky-steam baths, hop inhalers and peatbog high colonics, we have it all!