CARDINAL LAPHROAIG ADMITTED TO ST. ARDBEG'S

THE DOCTORS AND STAFF at St. Ardbeg's are requesting restraint of the civil authorities and the general public at this time of chaos.

The Head of the Hospital, Fr. Caol Ila, has reminded everyone that the grounds are consecrated and to be considered sanctuary for any and all who pass their gates.

In light of the events at Jamesonburgh, Fr. Caol Ila has confirmed that Cardinal Laphroaig has been admitted to the hospital for rehabilitation and rejuvenation. Details of His Eminence's condition and treatment are private and the press is asked to refrain from prying into the treatment administered here at St. Ardbeg's.

The Hospital will neither confirm nor deny reports that Cardinal Laphroaig was admitted as a result of a serious breakdown caused by a long-standing addiction to blended malts. The Hospital will also neither confirm nor deny that His Eminence was discovered huddled under his desk, clutching a bottle of Johnny Walker and mumbling incoherently to himself in pig Latin:
"What is past is past, and whatever sins Cardinal Laphroaig succumbed to are in remission. We must assist him prayerfully in overcoming his failings and help him return to the true Spirit," said Fr. Caol Ila.

The faithful are asked to pray for the restoration, physical and administrative, of Cardinal Laphroaig.

Bishop Glenmorangie has been apprised of Laphroaig's admittance to the care of the florid monks and has lent his full weight to the strictures imposed by Fr. Caol Ila and the staff of St. Ardbeg's.

Spiritum Laudamus