St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Permanently Befuddled was originally founded by Opus Barlei in the early nineteenth century for the treatment of liver disorders and scurvy. Our proprietary treatments, developed by world-renowned Dr. Hamish Dalmore, have proved extremely successful in the healing of spiritual melancholia and moral despair. The florid monks of Opus Barlei have dedicated their lives to the service of the befuddled throughout the world.

Spiritum Laudamus!

Thursday, August 24

MIRACLE AT ST. ARDBEG'S

Miraculously the crisis at St. Ardbeg's is over!

The peat fires have been contained without damage to the hospital, Our Lady or the surrounding grounds. Even now, Opus Barlei monks stripped down to loincloths, muscular thighs glistening with sweat, strong backs bent, strapping arms heaving shovels and hoes have brought the inferno under control. The brothers are thrusting the walls of the fire back, smothering the embers and sating the ravenous flames. We are saved!

Most of our patients have been restored to their wards in the hospital, some without having ever regained consciousness. Our staff is back on duty airing out the smoky halls and restocking the Dalmore Pharmaceutical Lounge. Doctors are re-establishing regimens for the lost souls under their care and are vigorously re-testing the medications for purity and strength.

A special mass of thanksgiving will be celebrated by the Order of Opus Barlei in the Our Lady of Perpetual Stupor chapel in joyful recognition of the miracle at St. Ardbeg's. We invite any and all to attend this joyous celebration. A reception in the DPL will follow.

We are confident that all operations will be fully restored by morning.

Spiritum Laudamus.
Posted by St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Terminally Befuddled at 4:56 AM

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